Was churning a lot this morning... Over a case which amplified the weaknesses of every one involved, Padawans and Jedi Knights alike...
The feeling was bad... Felt so down... Over my abilities, over my inabilities...
Had to attend a briefing at NCSS in the morning as well, and throughout the journey to and fro, my mind was preoccupied with what had happened... Felt as if I was sinking and sinking and sinking...
Then, on my way back, for some reasons or other, my thought suddenly took an unexpected turn... I remembered I was trying find some source of confidence or a sense of security to calm myself down... Then amazingly, memories of my NS days in the 20SA Medical Centre came flashing back... ... ...
Lee and I were the only two medics who were posted to 20SA from my batch of Combat Medics... We found out that there was a shortage of medics in the unit for the past 1 year before we were posted... So we were kind of a relief to the manpower constraints there...
We also found out that we were greatly anticipated as all the medics there were to ROD in a years' time and should there be no medics to be posted and understudy, there'll be a major problem of handing and taking over of duties for the proper functioning of the medical centre...
And since there's only two of us, and since it was to be another 1 more year before another batch of medics were to be posted, all my seniors were eager to hand over their duties to the two of us...
Basically, that meant that the Admin I/C, Medical Board I/C, Medical Store I/C, Batallion Casualty Station Store I/C, Treatment Room I/C, MO Personal Assistant duties would fall onto the two of us... And that's only the HQ medics' duties... There still the Battery-line medic duties not covered...
Then there was our Senior Medic (the only regular soldier, and our boss of the Medical Centre)... He was a very difficult man to please... His train of thought and logic is something that none of us could comprehend... His eccentricities were our constant source of agony, frustration, hopelessness and despair... His concept of fairness was something that made us all wonder if we had all owed him something in our previous lives...
Shortly after Lee and I were posted, a few of my seniors came to me to warn me that for some incomprehensible reasons, our Senior Medic didn't quite like me... And he intended to throw me to the Battery-line and bunk in with the Gunners...
And that was a scary outcome... Because I wasn't quite ready to live with a whole Battery of rough and tough Gunners... Life would be miserable, I thought...
But goodness gracious... my Medical Officer (the doctor) wanted me to stick around in the Medical Centre to be his Personal Assistant... I was quite sure that his decision pissed the Senior Medic off quite a bit... though the Senior Medic is a regular soldier, the MO is higher ranking than the Senior Medic...
So my life in 20SA revolved around the Medical Centre... because there's only the two of us new to the Medical Centre, quite naturally, we were initiated into every aspects of the centre... For the sake of fairness and accountability, all these duties were split between the two of us... I took up the Medical Board, Medical Store, Batallion Casualty Station Store, MO Personal Assistant, and part of the Treatment Room duties...
So how were all these related to how I was feeling this morning?
I gradually realised that it was during these period of 1 year that I was groomed and taken care of by my seniors... they were the ones who look out for me and showed me all the ropes in managing the centre's duties and most importantly, how to manage our Senior Medic...
I could still fondly recall all those times where Big Chang would go though the Medical Board cases with me at night so that I could handle them myself... where Chris would pull me into his very organised Battalion Casualty Station store to show me how to pack, stack and identify hundreds of medical items stored in the numberous BCS boxes... where Ong would teach me how to operate and maintain every Treatment Room equipment (and also how to do anything we want, as long as we don't get caught)... and Leong who'd always say "Lai lai lai... come to my storeroom to do stock-taking for me..."... where Willie who'd teach me, albeit reluctanly, what he knew about being an MO's Personal Assistant...
These amazing seniors, upon looking back, were there for me and looked out for me and it was those days that I really didn't feel afraid at all of the daunting tasks and duties that fell upon me because I knew that they'd be there... If not for them, Lee and I would never had been able to manage the Medical Centre during the couple of months after they all RODed and before the new batch of medics were posted to our unit...
These memories and experiences were the source of security and confidence that I was craving for this morning... There was this temporal feeling of helplessness, insecurity and vulnerability this morning due to things which happened these couple of days... But a wave of calmness set upon me after I recalled all these wonderful moments when I was just a 19 year old youth...
And I'm thankful for these experiences that I had... they were experiences which toughened and strengthened my resolve... they were experiences which has moulded my sense of purpose...
And it's been a very long while since I've even thought about those days... It's amazing how these memories came flashing back when I really needed a booster from somewhere...
And I now wonder if I could still find a way to keep in touch with any of them...
